Receipts from AOL Instant Messenger (9)

ILYSSFM (v.):

I confessed to Ma that I’d read about sex in the Webster’s Dictionary at the library. Is that what you
Learned from white people? My lines of defense choked mid-sentence. I tried to beat the bad thoughts out of my nine-
Year-old mind—good Hindu girls already could. I prayed to Thakur to fix me. I tamed my brain with knuckles
Scratched, my nails dug into my hip bones. Ma performed Kali Pujas each night to rid the house of sin: MTV
Shows, music videos, crushes in my diary. She recited Sanskrit hymns from the githa. I tasted the bitter Tulsi leaves
Fed to me. I was taught to seek mercy with arms spread and knees bent. I knew to beg for forgiveness after each
Misstep. But Thakur never told me I was enough—I was never taught to love.